The SEA-Shell Economic Report

Southeastern Advertising Agency had a variety of clients. A few were real pains but fortunately some of them were really fun to work with. One of the fun people was John Nourse, the director of the Norfolk County Development Council. John visited SEA a couple of times a month and I always came up with something to amuse him before we got down to serious business. This report, which was "published jointly by Southeastern Advertising Agency (SEA) and Shell Oil," was one of his favorites.

It is a truism in monetary matters that a 1oss of confidence causes a downturn in faith. And, conversely, a 1oss o£ faith causes a downturn in confidence. These factors can be mitigated in the short run by obfuscatory policies but, in the long run, the fiscal pigs will come home to root—probably for the home team, but perhaps not.

Putting the shoe on the other foot, to simulate the current fiscal pinch with a physical pinch, let us examine the question of what constitutes currency.

They are known as AC and DC. DC—Direct Currency—is the most familiar type. It may be represented by gold, silver, or paper because these types of currency can be exchanged directly for goods, services, and sex. The exchange for goods and services is relatively straightforward. The exchange for sex, however, is complicated by the fact that the age of consent varies from state to state. Before imparting legal tender to a young woman, the careful investor asks himself, "She may be tender, but is she legal?"

If the currency is exchanged, the Mann Act follows. (From a feminist point of view, the Womann Act also follows, but in the balance of this paper we will avoid that viewpoint.)

The U.S. monetary system is based on a Direct Currency of paper money, issued by the federal treasury. That's why it is known as Washington, DC.

The Native Americans had a better system, based on AC, or Alternating Currency, so called because the Indians used a string on which were alternated shells and stones or seeds. This AC was known as wampum. The system worked much like our paper currency system because everyone was willing to accept worthless shells on a string—just as everyone in our country will accept worthless paper.

But—and this is the most important single point in this paper—the Indian system worked for a hidden reason: The string was worth something! While many Native Americans, and most white traders as well, were content with passing strings of wampum around in exchange for goods, services, and—of course—sex, the smart ones got rid of the shells, stones, and seeds, and converted the strings directly into the items they needed.

How did they do this, you ask? I thought you'd never ask.

Here are the secrets to their success:

By using the strings to make bows, they were able to hunt game and commit armed robberies.

By tying the strings to the ends of poles, they were able to catch fish.

By using the strings to lasso and tie females, they were able to obtain sex absolutely free of charge.

Any genius can see that, in the light of the international monetary system, as it exists and does not exist today, the time is near at hand when wampum will once again be a major currency.

When that time comes, gold, platinum, and silver will become virtually worthless. Quahog shells will become invaluable. Areas such as Southeastern Massachusetts will be the resource centers of the future.

To take advantage of this coming currency revolution, you must act now. Exchange your precious metals for waterfront property suitable for quahog mining. We have several parcels available.